Stay Grounded

I've gone to therapy off and on since I was a little kid. In elementary school, I would get pulled from class once a week to go play games and draw with the school counselor and talk about how I felt about my parents getting divorced. Later, my step-grandma would pick me up from school early once a month to take me to an outside therapist. At some point I started taking anti-depressants that made me feel nauseous and actually made me throw up in front of my entire geometry class my sophomore year. That's a fun story.

I'm not really sure what it was that made me dad feel like I was depressed or like I needed help. If he was just projecting his fears that I would be like my mother or if I was actually exhibiting signs that scared him. Honestly, I think I was just quiet and quirky and liked my alone time. But what do I know?

When I aged out of my dad's insurance, I stopped taking my anti-depressants (which you are absolutely not supposed to do cold turkey, don't ever do that). I thought that after all this time I knew how to control my anxiety and depression. Things to avoid that I knew were triggers. Things that helped me self-soothe. I was working at a gym as a massage therapist, so I started working out regularly and eating well. Despite some low moments, I've felt really good in the last 5 years without anti-depressants.

This past year, I was going through a low moment (winter is hard for me, even in Texas) and I decided I should try therapy again. And like a true millennial, I chose to do online therapy. It's a lot easier for me to share my feelings through writing. I'm able to arrange my thoughts and edit to get to the point in a way that just isn't possible when you're speaking in person. And I can do it whenever it's convenient for me from wherever I am.

Anyways, there's been a lot of digging deep on past traumas and why I've become the anxious, emotional person I am but I won't bore you with all of that. Instead, I want to share some of the grounding techniques that my therapist has shared with me that have been so helpful when I'm feeling anxious.

1. Look around you and name out loud the things you see. Name what color they are.
2. Sit quietly and touch all of the objects around you.
3. Listen to calming music or sounds (in the massage industry, we call this music without words).
4. Do one of your favorite self-care activities and say out loud what you're doing and that you're doing it as self-care for yourself.

The past couple of months have been crazy and I've been so grateful to have this person as a sounding board with so much knowledge and compassion to help me get through it. I've heard two schools of thought on this period of quarantine: if you don't come out of quarantine with a new skill, finished project, weight loss, etc, then you wasted your time; if you come out with no new skills, finished projects, weight loss, etc, that's okay! Be kind to yourself! Personally, I agree with both because I think you have to do what's right for you. Since March, I've had days where I was super productive and I've had days where I allowed myself to do nothing because doing anything just felt like too much.

Anyways... therapy helps, self-care is important, be kind to yourself!

COVID through the eyes of an LMT

Let's talk about feelings.

The past couple of months have held a lot of feelings. Good, bad, indifferent. It's been a real roller coaster and I'd like to very honestly share my path through it all so you don't think I just disappeared off the planet.

Pride & Excitement: The plan from the very beginning of massage school was to one day own my own business. After a couple of moves around the country and a lot of second-guessing myself, I decided to "flip the script," if you will, and actually go off on my own. Rented a space, bought supplies, created a website. The whole nine. All of the steps that I imagined as un-doable were actually falling into place. I was doing it. By myself. I just don't know how I can possibly describe the pride I felt as a shy outsider with low self-esteem who was creating her own niche in the world.

Optimistic: One client asked me if I was worried about "the virus" and I shook my head and said, "not really. I mean, I think if we get more cases in the United States, it's going to get tough. And if we get any cases here in Austin, I'm screwed." SXSW hadn't been canceled and I was still carting both my massage table and chair in the back of my car everywhere I went.

A second client asked me if I was worried about "the virus". "Yes and no," I told her, "I can't just be scared and stop doing what I'm doing." I laugh at my naive words now. Oh silly Lauren. You knew nothing back then. How I wish you could see what will happen in the next few weeks.

Dread: Matt's company had everyone start working from home. The massage school where I work part time started making plans for distance education. Clients became fewer and further between, only the ones who were deeply in pain or overly stressed coming in for massage. My cuticles and the tips of my fingers were raw from washing, re-washing, sanitizing, even more than usual. I held my breath while I worked. I began to notice how many things I touch every day.

Conflicted: Some massage therapists had closed, citing "the safety of myself and my clients". Some were soldiering on to help alleviate the stress of this strange season. I hadn't actually had a client in a week and I felt increasingly wary of scheduling any in the future. I cried to Matt, "I want to help my clients, but I don't want to be irresponsible!"

Panic & Sadness: I never scheduled another client after that. But what about my business? What about my livelihood? What about my home? There was a lot more crying. Great heaving sobs with lots of snot and honking nose-blowing. All of the curse words and salt spray on the ends of my eyelashes. Matt told me it would be okay. I didn't feel like it would be okay, but I had to keep going.

Perseverance: Trainers took their workouts online. Food and booze became pickup and delivery only. Zoom became the best thing since sliced bread. I, too, wanted to find a way to bring my practice online. Stretches? Self-care tips? Random massage knowledge? Sure, I'll have so much extra time and I'll focus all of my energy on that! But I didn't really relate with the strength and perseverance that everyone else was able to radiate online. I didn't feel all that hopeful in that moment and I didn't want to fake it.

Heartbreak: My table is all packed up and leaning against the railing in our entryway. The fitted sheets that I washed weeks ago are still sitting in a basket on top of the dryer. My lotion and cups are tucked into the back of the closet. I've stopped threatening Matt with massages. I haven't posted much on social media, definitely nothing very relevant to massage. Without touch, I felt useless. What do these stretches and tips mean if I can't feel the adhesions in the tissue? If I can't press my knuckles into someone's hamstrings or feel the way their breath changes? I felt - I feel - so far away and like a virtual consultation isn't the service that I can put my energy behind right now. I sent my friend in Portland the massage emoji and asked her, "can you feel that?" "Kind of," she replied. That made me smile, but I had to give myself permission to step away for a hot minute and focus on other things because all massage makes me feel right now is heartbreak.

There are a lot more emotions to come. With every day that passes, I'm excited to return to work but I still feel the frustration of being stuck in limbo. I feel worried about what growing a new business will look like after all of this. I feel lucky that I have a good support system and that I have time to enjoy the beautiful Texas spring weather.

I miss all of you, my wonderful clients, and I can't wait to see you again. While I'm not very actively creating content or sending things out, I'm happy to help you with any self-care tips you may need. Or if you just want to talk! I hope you're all doing well (even if maybe a little emotional sometimes)!