COVID through the eyes of an LMT

Let's talk about feelings.

The past couple of months have held a lot of feelings. Good, bad, indifferent. It's been a real roller coaster and I'd like to very honestly share my path through it all so you don't think I just disappeared off the planet.

Pride & Excitement: The plan from the very beginning of massage school was to one day own my own business. After a couple of moves around the country and a lot of second-guessing myself, I decided to "flip the script," if you will, and actually go off on my own. Rented a space, bought supplies, created a website. The whole nine. All of the steps that I imagined as un-doable were actually falling into place. I was doing it. By myself. I just don't know how I can possibly describe the pride I felt as a shy outsider with low self-esteem who was creating her own niche in the world.

Optimistic: One client asked me if I was worried about "the virus" and I shook my head and said, "not really. I mean, I think if we get more cases in the United States, it's going to get tough. And if we get any cases here in Austin, I'm screwed." SXSW hadn't been canceled and I was still carting both my massage table and chair in the back of my car everywhere I went.

A second client asked me if I was worried about "the virus". "Yes and no," I told her, "I can't just be scared and stop doing what I'm doing." I laugh at my naive words now. Oh silly Lauren. You knew nothing back then. How I wish you could see what will happen in the next few weeks.

Dread: Matt's company had everyone start working from home. The massage school where I work part time started making plans for distance education. Clients became fewer and further between, only the ones who were deeply in pain or overly stressed coming in for massage. My cuticles and the tips of my fingers were raw from washing, re-washing, sanitizing, even more than usual. I held my breath while I worked. I began to notice how many things I touch every day.

Conflicted: Some massage therapists had closed, citing "the safety of myself and my clients". Some were soldiering on to help alleviate the stress of this strange season. I hadn't actually had a client in a week and I felt increasingly wary of scheduling any in the future. I cried to Matt, "I want to help my clients, but I don't want to be irresponsible!"

Panic & Sadness: I never scheduled another client after that. But what about my business? What about my livelihood? What about my home? There was a lot more crying. Great heaving sobs with lots of snot and honking nose-blowing. All of the curse words and salt spray on the ends of my eyelashes. Matt told me it would be okay. I didn't feel like it would be okay, but I had to keep going.

Perseverance: Trainers took their workouts online. Food and booze became pickup and delivery only. Zoom became the best thing since sliced bread. I, too, wanted to find a way to bring my practice online. Stretches? Self-care tips? Random massage knowledge? Sure, I'll have so much extra time and I'll focus all of my energy on that! But I didn't really relate with the strength and perseverance that everyone else was able to radiate online. I didn't feel all that hopeful in that moment and I didn't want to fake it.

Heartbreak: My table is all packed up and leaning against the railing in our entryway. The fitted sheets that I washed weeks ago are still sitting in a basket on top of the dryer. My lotion and cups are tucked into the back of the closet. I've stopped threatening Matt with massages. I haven't posted much on social media, definitely nothing very relevant to massage. Without touch, I felt useless. What do these stretches and tips mean if I can't feel the adhesions in the tissue? If I can't press my knuckles into someone's hamstrings or feel the way their breath changes? I felt - I feel - so far away and like a virtual consultation isn't the service that I can put my energy behind right now. I sent my friend in Portland the massage emoji and asked her, "can you feel that?" "Kind of," she replied. That made me smile, but I had to give myself permission to step away for a hot minute and focus on other things because all massage makes me feel right now is heartbreak.

There are a lot more emotions to come. With every day that passes, I'm excited to return to work but I still feel the frustration of being stuck in limbo. I feel worried about what growing a new business will look like after all of this. I feel lucky that I have a good support system and that I have time to enjoy the beautiful Texas spring weather.

I miss all of you, my wonderful clients, and I can't wait to see you again. While I'm not very actively creating content or sending things out, I'm happy to help you with any self-care tips you may need. Or if you just want to talk! I hope you're all doing well (even if maybe a little emotional sometimes)!